I don't think I've lost a single pound.  : P

But I am OK with that because I know I am doing all of the right things and I feel so much better now.

It's still so hard to choke down the water and I know I am getting only about half of what I should drink, but that is much better than the "none" I drank before.  I'll work up to it.  I've found tricks to getting more water.  In the morning and at night when I brush my teeth, I force myself to drink a full glass.  Three times a day when I take my supplements (Estrin D and a Weight Smart Vitamin), I force myself to drink a whole glass and then I try to get one or two more in otherwise. 

My portion control is tremendously better than it used to be in that there is now portion control.  I eat pretty much what I want, but the amount is very different.  I had one regular sized slice of hand-tossed crust pizza this morning instead of three.  I am still stuffed from that.  If I want ice cream, I have a half cup instead of a giant cereal bowl of it with toppings.  I don't snack all through the day in a constant graze, eating simply because I happen to not be eating and that just feels wrong.  I make myself wait until meal or snack time.  The Estrin D has gone a long way toward helping the impulse eating.  It gives me a really strong "You're FULL, don't EAT ANY MORE" button.  I have to only take 1 before each meal instead of the recommended dosage of 2.  Two makes me really sick after I eat and one just gets me to eat less. 

I have cut out nearly all sweets except for an occasional treat.  I keep track of my food on my PC version of Fitday.com.  Because I have so much to lose, I can eat up to 1800 calories and still lose weight, even without exercising (which I do). 

So I feel full.  I do not feel deprived in any way. I am not having any kind of emotional melt down from not having my food as a pacifier, I am sleeping well again, it's not particularly challenging or difficult, which prompts the question of why I always quit as soon as I start to feel any kind of progress.

Am I afraid of success?  Do I just get pissy because I'm not eating all the time? What causes it to break down?

I have given this a lot of thought and the best I can come up with is that it is really just laziness.  It isn't that I don't want it, because I do.  It isn't that I don't know the benefits or feel better.  It's more of not fixing the roof if it isn't raining. I have a great husband who will love me fat or thin.  I do not have a life that requires physical activity.  I have no immediate health crises.  So if I do have a day where I want to pig out, I just do it and after that, I am off the wagon.  That is just infantile.  There is something I need to do to improve (and prolong) the life of myself and my family and I just need to do it, which I am going to do.

I can really feel it this time.  It's working and I am going to make it a way of life so it keeps working.

I bought the People magazine from this week that has folks who have lost half their body weight or more without surgery.  It was extremely inspiring.  I even tolerated Oprah (although I was reminded profoundly of how much I truly dislike her) to watch the story of the lady who lost over 300 pounds (with surgery).  All around me, people are succeeding with so many different avenues to reach that success.  They are doing so around their own obstacles and challenges.  With a life as blessed as mine, I am sure I have all I need to do so.

I just wish I didn't love to eat so much!

Last night, Eric and I were watching TV when a commercial came on for Nutrisystem.  It's the one with Zora or Zola or whoever the reality TV chick is where she is bragging about going from a size 10 to a size 4.  Eric (Goddess bless his sweet heart) said, "Why in the world are the acting as though a size 10 is huge?"   I commented that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and he said, "But wasn't she really tall, like 6 feet?"  I looked it up and she was only 5'5", which is my height.  He got really excited and said, "But do you really think a size 14 is feasible for you?"  I told him I fully expected to be there within a year or so and he was over the moon.  I think I have adequately convinced him that I will be fat forever and he needs to get used to that.  :)  Now he can be surprised when it really happens.

Every day brings me closer to my goal, even if it is something as simple as reading a new article or staying under my calorie intake goal.  Each day I feel blessed to have the chance to prove I can do this and that really, anyone can do this if they just decide that it's going to happen.

I have definitely decided it is going to happen.

I am only exercising for about 20 minutes 4-5 times a week, but I have faith I will be able to do more eventually.  That's one reason being fat and out of shape sucks. 

I am shooting for Oct 31st for significant change that anyone would notice and a year for people who knew me before not to be sure it's really me.

Dr Phil has a show today on people who lost weight without surgery!  It just keeps showing up!  I KNOW I can do this!

This chick lost 117 pounds!  No surgery!  And her husband is named Eric!  And in the military!  (My Eric was in the military when we met and for 3 years after we were married)  Previously, she weighed exactly what I weigh now.  What are the chances of that?

How proud would Eric be of me if I did that?

Whoot!

My only fear at this point is having huge piles of empty, sagging skin all over me when I'm finished.  I am not excited about the idea of having all kinds of (painful) cosmetic surgery to have it removed.  I've always had really great skin and since I am only shooting for 2 pounds a week, I am going to presume the best and believe that with lots of patience, water and exercise, it will all be just fine.  Why worry about what might happen when it's even more likely that everything is going to be just wonderful?

This is going to be such an incredible year!  I can really feel it!