Fatastic Journal

Agh

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 19:01:44 GMT

I just got back from my first "walk the dogs" cardio since the snow left, which admittedly, was only a week or so ago, so I'm not too far behind. In the interim, we had a lot of rain. I was still doing the Curves At Home workout with the Body Flex gym bar (which I still love) and the resistance tubes for strength exercises, plus the exercise ball for crunches and the recumbent bike for the 40 seconds of cardio in between sets. Then we started doing the floors and I was doing so much lifting and toting and hauling and working that it seemed to even out. That has been the case every day until today. Yesterday, I cleaned the sheds, which was an amazing effort of shifting and lifting and hauling heavy things. Friday and Saturday we were still in the "putting the house back together" phase, which was a lot of physical work.

When I went through the shed, I found a good many fat clothes and it made me very happy to toss them away without a second thought. :)

I was surprised by the walk today. I am judging it to be about 2 miles, but I will clock it off later with the car to be sure I am not fooling myself. I was able to do a good bit further than my last efforts at dog walking (remember, please, that this is not only walking dogs, but walking them up and down giant mountains) and although my hip joints really started to ache (and my knees, a bit), I was able to keep on going. It is only about 50 degrees out, so my sweat didn't really hit until I got inside, then I was flooded. I had to stop 2-3 times during the 3 walks (1 per dog), but not for very long. Anyway, I feel as though I did my bit for today. Tomorrow, it will be back to strength training on the Curves plan.

I measured and weighed the day after I thought I stopped my period this month (it was a long one) and I was dismayed to see that nothing had changed. I weighed and measured exactly the same as last month. I got over being discouraged and just vowed to work harder this month, cutting back more calories and working out more often. Then my period started up again and two days later, I weighed 3 pounds less. I haven't re-measured and probably won't until next month. I'll see a big change then.

The two weeks of no pasta, white bread or potatoes was harder than I expected! I got through it, though and proved I could do it. I don't know that I'd want to give up any of them forever, but I have let go of the pasta and white sandwich bread and now rarely eat potatoes or nonsandwich white breads. The two weeks definitely took away any cravings for them and now I just eat them if I have room on my calorie tab and they happen to be offered and I want one (so three factors determine it).

Eric went to visit the neighbors on Saturday (I never really hit it off with them, but Eric did more so and stops in to say hello sometimes) and informed me that the woman who lives there has lost an enormous amount of weight. *long stare from him* "She says she did it by running." *long stare from him* Me: "Um, OK, are you trying to make a point." Him: "No, I'm just telling you. She said the mountains take the fat right off of you." *stare* *stare back* Me: "Well, that's good then."

Last night, we were in the spa talking with Jennifer about what we planted this year and our success thus far. When I was talking about mine, Eric chimed in with, "I still think you should try running." I told him I wasn't aware that he wanted me to try running in the first place, much less that he STILL wanted me to try running. He pointed out that I used to run (yes, on flat-ass Air Force bases with sidewalks). *stare* I told him I'd think about it.

I thought about it. I hate running/jogging. It hurts my hips and knees and I end up hating every step. I wish he would stop taking my weight loss so personally. I think he and I are going to have to have a talk about that. There is such a fine line between encouraging someone and acting as though you've been cheated and the other person has personally betrayed you if it isn't happening as fast as you think it should. A few nights before that, he asked me if I'd, "just given up" because I had potatoes at dinner two nights in a row. Um, no, I just happened to be past the 2 weeks. Yeah, we gotta talk as soon as I can get him in a decent mood. Before then, it will be an exercise in futility.

Back to housecleaning!

I Love Spiritual Weight Loss. :)

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 19:01:52 GMT

As most of you know, I am a Witch and I use the CUSP Spiritual Path as a pattern for my spiritual life, which really permeates all of my life. Although I did a lot through the winter months to prepare for what I was going to undertake at the Spring Equinox, Spring was the real kick off to my dedication to losing this weight. I put my goal out there at the Winter Solstice as an idea, just as the spark of light returns to the sky, we fan the spark of inspiration in our minds and in our spirits. By Spring Equinox, we have been shown by The Universe whether or not our goal is one we need to pursue or abandon in favor of another one or revise in some way. I got the "full steam ahead" signal. Not only was I told that I should "plant" (to "harvest" in the Fall) healthy weight loss and a lean, strong, healthy body, but I was also told that it was ALL I was supposed to plant this year. Usually, we plant 3-4 different things that reflect how we want our life to be by October 31, the end of harvest time. Nope. This year, it is all or nothing. (Psst. It's going to be "all")

I did my own visualization of planting on March 19th. That's the day that our little group would have met if we had not been under several feet of snow. I started to put it off because it is a real challenge to get into a "planting" frame of mind with 4-5 feet of snow piled up outside. During the final hours of that day, I realized that one of the reasons why my previous weight loss efforts have failed is because I ALWAYS have an excuse for why I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. I really did not want to start out this year's effort on that same premise, so I did a meditation where I visualized the empty, fallow fields, fertile and ready to house the seeds. In my mind, I planted and covered the seeds, planted and covered the seeds, planted and covered the seeds. Each seed was a right choice, a bit of motivation, strength, opportunities, education, dedication... all the things I would need to accomplish this amazing task. In my mind, I could smell the rich, soft earth. I could feel it moving between my fingers and under my feet. After I planted, in my mind's eye, I felt the warm, Spring rains fall on my planted fields, giving it nourishment and hydration. The rain I saw as the blessings of God and Goddess on my efforts. It felt really good.

Last Saturday, we were finally able to do our official planting. It was still so cold. It was before the most recent foot of snow that fell this week, so the ground was not completely frozen and the snow had cleared away from the front yard, although the back was still impassable. Eric dug a big hole with his pick under the circle of trees to the side of the house. We wrote our goal (each of us is only planting one thing, as it turned out) on raw eggs (as symbols of Ostara, the Goddess of Spring and Fertility and in respect to the fact that all higher life begins with an egg) on the egg with a sharpie, put our intention and desire for the goal into the egg, then planted it. That felt really good too.

Almost immediately, I could see differences after the official planting.

(Watching TV as I write this and I think Gary Busey is officially crazy)

First, after a couple of months of working out by trying out several different avenues. I have a recumbent bike, a gazelle, yoga DVDs, exercise tubes and body flex information and their workout bar. I floated back and forth between all of those, plus walking the dogs and such stuff. The day after the planting, I picked up a book I had only scanned previously, the Curves book by Carol Colman. I copied the information on the at home workout and I have been doing that every other day. On the off days, I normally do some cardio or additional strength building exercises. I want to do some kind of exercise every day to keep up the pace. I have found that if I miss the day, I start to get all kinds of entitlement thoughts that undermine my progress. I've done the Curves work out three times now and I feel really good about it. It takes me about 40-45 minutes, partly because I tend to do the cardio for about 60 seconds instead of 40 before changing back to the strength building exercises. I was sore for 2 days after the first work out, but I haven't been sore again since.

I am supplementing with flax seed oil (for my heart since my family has a history both of obesity and heart disease), vitamin B-12 (for stress relief) and One a Day Weight Smart vitamins.

Night before last, I was very excited to find myself led to yet another book I bought a while back and only gave a cursory glance. I spent the night reviewing Dr Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge, as well as his Ultimate Weight Solution Food Guide, which actually has a lot more information included than food counts, particular his "rapid start plan." After studying it well, yesterday I stocked up my house with good foods and stripped it out of the bad ones that tempt me. The ones that don't, I left for the family. Today is my first day on his rapid start plan program and it feels really, really good. I am totally off of white bread products, pasta and potatoes of any kind. I am totally off of refined sugar products. Drinking the water.  I only drink diet, caffeine-free soda and no more than 2 a day. No fruit juices for 2 weeks.

So far, I'm only running on breakfast, which was humongous: a  cup of shredded wheat with a half cup of 2% milk, a cup of strawberries, an egg fried in Pam butter flavored cooking spray and a glass of water. I think that is more food I've eaten for breakfast (not even BRUNCH) since I was on vacation last July. Lunch will be a sandwich of lean deli meat on Sarah Lee Deelightful Whole Wheat Bread, a piece of fruit and a cup of 2% milk. Dinner is roasted turkey, steamed veggies, a garden salad and a diet soda. I can have all of the good-for-you raw veggies I want for snacks through the day.  Of course, lots of water will be in there too. I am full and satisfied and I feel very, very eager to give this the two week window it suggests before going to the actual weight loss plan he created, which is pretty much the same thing with a couple of starchy veggies added in. I can definitely go the distance on this with a splurge every week or so.

This tastes a lot better than the minute or 10 of joy and satisfaction I used to get from different kinds of foods. In retrospect, I think my favorite feel good foods were macaroni and chicken breast cooked together, Tuna Helper Creamy Pasta (I doubled the tuna and left out the margarine), homemade chicken pot pie, steak, mashed potatoes, biscuits, homemade white bread, soft french bread, pizza, Mexican food and Olive Garden's chicken alfredo. Yum. I won't be able to eat those as much as I want, but I will have them from time to time as a treat. I have never been one to lean toward sweets or chips and such for my food fix. My weight came from good ol' nurture foods. :)

I feel grateful to have been led to the eating plan that is going to work for me and the exercise plan that is going to work for me. After this, it's just a matter of days joining hands to take me to Oct 31st, when I should be in a much tighter package than I am now.

I measure and weigh again the day after my period completely ends for the month, which will likely be April 24-25. I am actually pretty eager to see the progress I've made, but I'm going to wait it out so I can see big losses instead of incremental ones.

Eric fully supports the family diet change, even though it means no more ice cream (his personal favorite), no more cookies and brownies, no more bread and potatoes (a very integral part of our family diet until this time). I have never had a passion for white sandwich bread, so I still use that for the kids. The Sarah Lee bread I use is what I prefer anyway based on taste.

I feel as though I have all the tools I need to do this and do it in style. If I don't and there are more that I need and don't know about, I have total faith that they will come to me.

The spiritual progression side of it from here on is that at Summer Solstice, the "crops" will be tall in the field, but not yet ready to harvest (I'll be seeing excellent progress by this time). By Autumn Equinox in September, I will have the beginning of the harvest, so I will definitely be able to see a significant difference by then. October 31st ends the harvest year and by then, I expect to be pretty darn close to my goal if not dead on. That's approximately 30 weeks from Spring Equinox.

I can do it, I am doing it, it is done!

:)

Doing Well

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 13:57:58 GMT

I am actually quite eager for the end of the month when I weigh and measure.

I started doing the Curves (at home) work out from the Curves book by Carol Colman. (Although I am not very pleased with the book's tag line, "permanent results without permanent dieting" because if nothing else, I have learned that this has to be a whole life change and not just a temporary measure to solve a problem.) It uses resistance tubes and cardio for a much more intense work out that I was doing. I did it first on Saturday and by Saturday night, I was really sore, particularly from the crunches done on the exercise ball to warm up. My upper abs are still sore. I did it again on Monday, but only did the 50 regular crunches instead of 50 oblique crunches on each side as well. I adapted some of the exercises to use the exercise bar from Body Flex, which I really, really like. The idea is that you do a strength building exercise for 40 seconds, then do heavy cardio for 40 seconds (hell, I can do almost anything for 40 seconds), then do a strength building exercise on a different part of your body for 40 seconds, then back to cardio for another 40 seconds. It definitely gets your pulse rate up. The book says to do it 3 times a week, so I do it every other day and then do a cardio exercise on the off day.

Today is work out day, but Eric is sleeping in the bedroom where I do the exercises (have to have a door that closes and locks), so he's going to have to join in, get out or play cheerleader!

Last night, I re-reviewed the Dr Phil Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge books and took the tests. I am doing OK on the nutritional part. I need to up my fiber and lower my salt. I am skeptical about the salt because I lightly salt my food and don't really think that's a major health issue. I don't eat a lot of salty foods like chips or french fries or anything. The fiber I definitely could use. I was also doing well on exercise by his standards, so that was good reinforcement.

One day at a time, you know?

I will be so happy to fit into a 12-14. That is my goal.

I have definitely learned that there are a few constants to the process of weight loss. One is that I know for a fact that until you are really ready, it doesn't matter what pill you take, what book you read, what gym you go to or what exercise you do. It seems as though the same results would be achieved by the same actions, but it's just not true. There's something about the sustained idea that you are really doing it that is a very important component. Yes, you absolutely have to exercise and modify what you eat, but the mental change has to be there too. I don't think success is possible without all three of those things. You might start the process with only 1 or 2 of them, but ultimately, to really succeed all three have to be incorporated. Of course, that is me talking from this side of the fence. I'll get back to you to confirm when I hit that 12-14.

Update

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 17:05:18 GMT

Things are much better with the mister. Different people have different limitations and one of his is the inability to convey what he feels in a particularly sensitive way. It's like dealing with someone for whom English is a second language who does not understand the nuances of inflection and the alternate meanings of different words. He is usually completely baffled as to why I am upset and "making such a big deal of it," "it" being whatever he has said that crushed my very soul. To him, it was like telling me what the weather is like outside or that he'd rather have colby cheese instead of cheddar. I would be lying if I said I was not still having emotional fall out and still feeling closed off in some ways, but it's definitely better. There is no sense being hurt and angry unless and until someone "gets it" when you know in your heart they just aren't going to "get it." That's like giving oneself a life sentence for a crime you didn't even commit. When I was 29, I was dumber than a bag of hair and little I did had anything to do with any kind of empathic connection to anyone, so I've got to consider that as well.

I decided a while back (and never did mention it here, I don't think) that I would weigh and measure the day after I finished my period each month. That was yesterday and the results were very encouraging. I have not made extreme sacrificing in my eating habits, other than cutting out nearly all refined sugar products and avoiding the "grazing" I used to do through the day. I eat 3 good meals, filling meals and I come away from the meal satisfied enough that I'm not particularly hungry until the next meal. If I do want a snack between meals, I will have a piece of fruit or some pretzels. I drink more water. Still, for my meals, I pretty much eat what I want.

I exercise every day now, either aerobic (treadmill, recumbent bike, body flex or gazelle) or strength building (the gym bar with resistance tubes or show shoveling) or both every single day. It's said that if you do something 21 days in a row, it becomes habit, so I think I'm there. It feels like habit and on the rare times that I miss a day, I can really feel a difference, not just in my body, but in my spirit as though I have let myself down and did not do something I wanted to do (even though I do not consciously "want" to do it). I don't stop and think, "You know, what I really want to do now is brush my teeth" most of the time, but still, I do it twice a day and would miss it if I didn't.

I have lost a total of 3 more inches this month (bringing it up to 8.5 inches total - although the first time I measured before I started any of this, I only measured bust, waist, hips and 1 thigh instead of all of the places Carolyn tells me we are supposed to measure, so it's actually more than that) and 2 pounds. It's not "The Biggest Loser" quality losing, but it's slow and steady and the kind of change in behavior I know I can keep for life and continually add onto and tighten up as I go. Easing into this rather than making abrupt changes on all fronts is definitely working for me. At this rate, it will take me a long time to reach my ultimate goal, but I would rather have that be the case rather than lose the weight really fast only to gain it right back because the changes were too abrupt to stick.

I'm happy with the progress and have complete faith that it will continue (besides, I didn't even officially plant this goal yet!). :)

The Day After the Day After - Update

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 19:18:43 GMT

First of all, thanks to all of you for all of your wonderful emails and Live Journal replies. What an awesome cheering section I have! The thing is, I know that if I happened to be wrong, you guys would gently tell me that as well. Your support means everything to me.

After writing out my feeling in this journal yesterday and answering many of the journal replies, the emotion of the situation started to abate and I was able to see things much more clearly.

Eric really is a wonderful husband and father. I say that based on my own personal experience and observations of the husbands of friends. He normally treats me with immense respect and is my greatest cheerleader. That's why his behavior threw me for such a loop. As I said, in the past he has had trouble saying what he wants to say without making an ass of himself, but for the past couple of years, he's been absolutely golden. You don't hear me complain much about him in my journals because honestly, there is not much to complain about at all. I have a wonderful life (as people who know me personally will attest) and as a couple, we are very well suited and very much in love. I am not making excuses for him, I'm just telling it like it is. That's why this out of the blue stuff blindsided me so hard.

Being able to clear away the emotion and think with my head instead of my heart definitely gave me a better perspective, as did the words of all of my friends who read this journal. Yesterday, I pretty much kept Eric at a distance for most of the day, not yet ready to talk to him about it until I got my head on straight. It really started to come together for me when I was shoveling snow between the house and the kennel. I realized that a couple of months ago, I would have had neither the physical strength nor the motivation to even try such a thing. The whole "demand more from yourself" push and the physical exercises are definitely helping. I started to get pretty mad that when I've had a solid two months of successes with a couple of slips here and there, he would be so intent on trying to bully my focus onto my 8 years of failure instead. Stupid, stupid man.

I know Eric very, very well and when he comes up with behavior that is out of the blue and extreme, it is invariably because he is 1) scared or 2) feeling inadequate in some way. It had thankfully been so long since it happened that forgot the standards of how to deal with it. In this case, he was scared I was going to die and felt inadequate to do anything about it, so he just started shooting in the dark in hopes of hitting something that would motivate me into action (when I did not need to be motivated).

After a lot of thinking, I called him around lunch time and asked him to call me back when he could talk, which he did. Overall, the discussion was fairly nonproductive. He was still flying high on what he deserved to have and how (get ready) I should be motivated by how good he looks. Yes, I actually laughed out loud on that one. When he asked me if that didn't inspire me to be different and do differently, I told him no, it really didn't and he sounded extremely surprised. He asked me why not and I said, "When you have lost 100 pounds, then you can inspire me. When you exercise every day, you will inspire me. When you give up the sweets and fats you eat all of the time, you will inspire me. Until then, it's like you being inspired by someone who never started smoking to motivate you not to smoke." God, I was so cool.

I clearly and carefully explained to him about the trust he had destroyed and how I did not know if that would be able to come back again. He listened to what I had to say and agreed that he had been wrong to say things as he did and to attack me when I was succeeding. I also was very direct and firm in telling him that yes, I WILL succeed, but he needs to understand that it is because I was already on the path to success; not because he badgered and bullied me into it.

After more talking last night (Not much, really. I think it's about played out), what I have decided is this:

1) He is afraid. He talked a good bit about health concerns and said some really dumb things like how it scares him to watch me go down the stairs in our house, how slowly and carefully I go. He also said that it's terrifying to watch me try to walk in the snow, that my weight makes me unsteady and makes me fall over and he's afraid I am going to hurt myself. I was so frustrated when he said that. Stupid, stupid man. For one thing, I have, for reasons I have never been able to divine, a lifelong fear of falling. I am not afraid of heights in the least. I am afraid of falling down from heights tall or short. That has been the case whether I weighed 115 or 215. I am very uneasy going down stairs or inclines of any kind. I HATE hikes that involve walking over severely uneven terrain. I pointed out to him that this is the first house we have had with stairs and so it would be the first time he has experienced how I go down stairs. I do fine going up the stairs. Going down is a problem. I also get choked up with anxiety if I am going down stairs and I can't see my feet, such as if I am carrying a laundry basket of clothes up the stairs. Meh, go figure. It's one of my weirdnesses. It's also why I hate everything about roller skating. I also pointed out that he might want to consider that I am falling down and going easy when I walk in the snow not because I am fat, but because the snow is up to my fucking hips. >:<

2) I should have been more clear in my last journal when I said, "It's not about Eric." I know it was confusing for me to say that without clarifying. What I meant is that the weight loss effort is not about Eric. I can't do this for Eric or because he bullied me into it. That part is about me. I have to do it because I want it and I can't want it for him. I have to want it for me. The part, however, that IS about Eric is taking responsibility for the hurtful things he said and reconciling his own feelings about my weight. Basically, "Get over it."

3) When I confided my true weight to Eric, he was almost ashen. I know it shook him to the core because he did not imagine I could possibly weigh that much. That reaction is exactly why I'd been careful to never before tell him my actual weight. I'd tell him how many pounds I'd lost, but never what I actually weighed. That was a couple of weeks ago and I should have been alerted that there was a problem when, a few days later, he was talking about my weight in a positive way (being cheerleader) and said that he was especially glad I was making the strides I was making because he "didn't realize the situation was so dire." I laughed a little when he said that because he sounded so stern and grim, but then the moment was over and I didn't think much more of it. I think that with the image of my "dire" weight in his mind, he became determined that I had to lose this weight or I was going to die. When I then confided to him that I'd been depressed and missed two days of exercising, he panicked and lashed out at me. He didn't do it well or correctly. He should have said, "I know this is a hard time, but I want to know that you are going to start exercising again because I love you and I want you to succeed at this. How can I support you or help you?"

I figured all that out yesterday and the things he said last night pretty much confirmed my suspicions.  He's afraid I'm going to drop dead at any second. In his fear, he turned into an ass.

Things are getting much better between us since I stopped crying and started thinking.  I did great on my eating yesterday and got my exercise through 30 minutes of intense snow shoveling. When Eric made it home around 5pm, I headed out for town alone. It was bliss to have no kids with me after days and days of having kids around. I played my favorite music on the CD player and remembered how much I love Colin Hay (and why).  My first stop was my hairdresser in town. They were 45 minutes from closing and I got a really awesome haircut, but they did not have time to do a dye job (I have never had my hair professionally colored and thought I'd give it a try). The hair cut is sort of the same as my usual one, but with a little more definition and character. I asked for color suggestions (highlights, anything) and she recommended the exact brand and color of hair dye that was in an unopened box under my bathroom sink (sweet!!), so I will be coloring my hair today. A lot of gray is showing through and I am ready to young it up a bit and strut my stuff. After the haircut, I hit WalMart and found a giant fat woman's clearance rack of clothes marked down to $3 each. I bought two bags of microfiber things (my favorite material, sooo soft) and some giant t-shirt type shirts to wear as pajama tops (I have forgiven Eric completely but that guy isn't going to see me naked again for a long, long, long time and I can tell you, he sure is not going to be my weight loss counselor and confidant. He burned up those bridges quite nicely, thank you). I am going to go through my closet (again) and dump some of the frumpy stuff and hang up my new clothes. When I finally do unveil my body to him, it is going to look a lot different than the last time he saw it. I'm thinking November 1st.

Aside from all of the Eric implications and psychobabble about why he did what he did, I know on a spirit level why this happened for me.

It was to show me clearly and without a doubt how far I have come and how unshakable is my determination to do this. There was a time when I would have taken his observations about me, warped as they were, and made them my own. I would have shared his disdain for how I look and wallowed in self-pity for a good long time...and of course, I would have eaten over that pain. I would have gotten fatter just to spite him. I would have likely baked a whole batch of cookies and made sure he saw me eat them. At that time in my life, such behavior would have made perfect sense to me. "I'll show YOU." This time was completely different. I never once, for one moment, felt wretched or like a failure or unattractive. Not even for a second. I cried and I hurt and I grieved because of what he had done to destroy my trust in him, not because I believed the bullshit he was spouting.  I got angry for what a complete idiot he was to behave this way. I got angry with myself for trusting him, but then I thought about the years we had worked to reach that place of trust together and decided it was perfectly understandable for me to fall into that kind of comfort with my own husband, my best friend. I also never once considered for a second eating myself into oblivion just to feel better or giving up the quest. That was never even an option.

When I look at what has happened in the context of my spiritual path, we begin planting our goals on the Spring Equinox. The time between February 2 and March 21 is considered to a time of redirect or confirmation of the goals we intend to plant. If what we have chosen to plant is what we are intended to manifest in that harvest year and is in keeping with our greatest good, we will receive very clear indicators that we should be doing what we have planned. If what we think we should be planting is not really what we need to be doing, we will be given redirects to show us what is really in our best interests.

That is why I am so incredibly grateful that this happened. It has proved to me 110% that I am going to do this and nothing is going to stop me. The Universe shoved into my path the one thing that would derail me if anything was going to: the loss of my "in person" support system and direct disdain and complete lack of faith from someone I love and admire. I got the most perfect confirmation that I am on the right track and that my success is assured. That makes me feel so excited and motivated!    If I did not collapse under this, there is no doubt I will succeed and I did not even waver a tiny bit.

Also, for those of you who are concerned that once I've lost a healthy amount of weight, it will never be enough for Eric and he will always be critical of how I look. I can honestly say that I have absolutely no fear of that being the case because it's just not how he works. For one thing, I've lived with that kind of person in the form of my first husband and I know the signs of that kind of warped expectation. Another point is that Eric is not attracted to skinny women, just women who are a healthy size.   The fact that all of his girlfriends before me were slim and trim is only because they were all military and the Air Force (at that time) leaned pretty hard on women to stay into a target weight range. I don't have a fear that he will want me to be unreasonably thin. He just wants me not to die and to be a healthy weight. Lastly, there have been parts of my life (like the housecleaning) that Eric has had a problem with in the past, but once they were corrected (out of my own growth and motivation, again not because he bitched about it), he shut up and I have not heard a word since. I don't think his expectations for me are unreasonable, I just think he is dead ass wrong to set goals for another person. Have hopes and dreams, sure. But don't set my goals for me.

Again, thanks so much for the outpouring of support and love. This was a good thing and I am a happy (and dedicated) girl. (But he still can't see me naked until November 1st because I am also a vindictive girl).

Time to work out with the gym bar! Woot!

Thursday

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 16:27:21 GMT

This is already a very hard journal entry to write. It is going to be rough to put this into words or to revisit what has happened. It would be easy for me to just push it aside as though it never happened, to bury it deep and cover it with the bandaid of apology that I know will come later on today, but if I do that, I might lose any potential lesson that is in it for me.

It is important to know that for at least two years now, my husband has been my best cheerleader. We had some rough times in the beginning of our marriage when he woke up and realized he'd married a fat woman. I got some pretty insensitive speeches about what he deserved and how he didn't think he could go the rest of his life and never again be with a fit woman. At first, I cried a good bit and promised I'd make changes and wallowed in the mellow dramatic, then turned a lot of self-loathing onto myself, which of course, had the opposite effect of what he wanted. I ate to feel better.

Somewhere around year 6, I got up the self esteem to say, "You know, I will never stop working on this because I want it too. It's obvious I'm not having any kind of long term success and that hurts me and hurts you, but I do think it's important that you realize that this might be all there is and as good as it gets. I was fat when you married me. I am fat now and although I will keep trying to change that, it might not happen."

Around the time we moved into this house in March of 2004 (we married in November of 1997), he really seemed to have come to terms with the situation. When I would buy a new piece of exercise equipment or have an epiphany, he would cheer me on and be so proud of me. He told me absolutely countless times during those two years that while he was proud of me for all of the things I tried in the effort to get fit, he was past feeling cheated, past feeling like it mattered between the two of us if I lost the weight.  As this attitude prevailed, I was able to open up more and more to him. He was my best friend and I could share my most intimate fears and struggles in this area.  A couple of weeks ago, I even trusted him enough to confess my true weight to him, a number I keep carefully guarded because I tend to look like I weigh less and I don't mind that impression being out there. He created a safe place for me to fall and it was such an amazing gift. It empowered me to do more, to be more and to believe in myself and my own worth.

Last night, all of that changed. It's funny how it can take years to build up such a rock-solid trust and only about 47 minutes to completely destroy it. Actually, I would say that it took about 3 minutes to destroy it and maybe 44 for him to piss on the pieces and kick them around a bit.

We watched one of my favorite shows, The Biggest Loser. I always find it inspirational to watch people lose remarkable amounts of weight seemingly before our very eyes. I love how positive Trainer Bob is with his people, while still pushing them to do more than they believe they can do. That Jillian chick makes me uncomfortable, though. I'd be on the blue team. Last night's episode involved military wives, Navy and Marine, which is dear to my heart because I have had two military (Air Force) husbands and was a military wife for a total of about 22 years (18 with Paul and 4 with Eric). As I watched the show, I found that surprisingly, I was not relating to the people on the teams very well. For one reason, only one woman had as much weight to lose as I did. Usually, everyone on the teams are pretty big. It bothered me that for several women, their husbands were deployed and while that might seem liked a great time to go away for however long they were at The Biggest Loser Ranch, I felt sad for their kids. Their dad was already gone by duty and now their mom was leaving them by choice. I know firsthand how hard deployments are for military kids and they need the stability of the remaining parent there to give them some sense of normalcy and continuity.  As the show was in its final stages with the weigh-ins, Eric asked, with a kind of sneering tone to his voice, "Is this motivation for you at all?" I admitted that tonight's show was not particularly, but did not go into details because I didn't want to miss the show.

After the show was over, because I'd been nodding off a bit (9pm is my bedtime and I hadn't slept well the night before because of a rare headache), I told him good night and eased over into my side-lying, sleep-courting position, happy as a little clam and already easing into sleepy bliss. That was when Eric decided to stage his intervention.

As a bit of background review, I have missed two days of exercising in the past 3 weeks. They were Tuesday and Wednesday (yesterday) of this week. I have been very depressed about the endless snow that has trapped me in this house. In most places, it is up to my waist. Eric has to drive our only vehicle that is trustworthy on bad weather roads. Yesterday was the first day I have been without kids since Friday mid-day when they came home from school (short day that day). Tuesday, we had no electricity from 4am - 4pm except for a 30 minute break in the middle of the day. Since it was about 30 degrees outside and we have electric heat, it was pretty chilly. I did keep a fire going in the wood stove (which involved wading through the waist-thigh high snow, chopping wood in the wood shed and hauling it back through the snow again.

Over the 3 weeks that I have been doing exercise every day, both aerobic and strength-building, I have lost one dress/pants size, going from a 20-22 to an 18-20. I lost maybe a pound. On my bustline, my waist, my hips and one thigh, I lost 4 inches. Then the depression hit and I stopped exercising for 2 days.

One of the things that seemed, years ago, to help Eric better understand the struggles that come from trying to lose weight was to equate it to the enormous smoking monkey (gorilla) he has on his back. He has wanted to stop smoking for years and years, but can never seem to make it stick for longer than a few days. Even after he gets past the physical addiction phase, the emotional addiction pulls him back in. With that comparison, he really seemed to have a lightbulb go off and he *got it*. I also pointed out that in the instance of food, because I have to feed the family, it's as if he tried to quit smoking while all of the rest of us smoked around him and asked him to light ours.

So last night he went for it. Without going into all of the details, his basic message was for me to know how disgusted he was with my fat. He hates the feel of it. He hates the sight of it. He saw the one woman on the show who was my size and was appalled to realize that I really do look just like her. He is a young, upwardly mobile, rising-star of a man and he deserves a woman with the same kind of strength and determination at his side. He is sick of my years of excuses. I need to stop comparing my weight loss struggle with his smoking struggles.  He is young and I am old and I have a lot less time to deal with my demons. He even said (brace yourselves, menopausal darlings), that I only have a good 5 years or so left before "it's over" and I no longer have a chance for change.  You know how it is, ladies. At 49, life is over. He informed me that he does not want to spend his best years "taking care of" me because of all of my health maladies (I have none that are known and feel pretty good).

"My way" since February 2 has been to introduce changes a few at a time. I have integrated good exercise into my life, the past two days notwithstanding. I have started drinking lots of water. I have started taking the right nutritional supplements. I have severely limited the sweets in my diet. I have virtually eliminated caffeine from my diet. In the past 6 weeks or so, I have eased these changes in one at a time. I felt I was working toward a complete launch, having all of my ducks in a row in time for Spring Equinox, the planting.

My husband, who created this spiritual path with me, actually told me he did not want to hear any of that "planting bullshit." Oh man. Goddess is going to smite the hell out of him for that one. I hope I am not around when it happens because I really don't want to be covered in Eric juice and shrapnel.

As he spoke, I would repeat back to him what he said to me. He would say, "I am ashamed" in the context of discussing how I look. I would try and clarify and say, "You are ashamed... of me? Of how I look?" He would say, "No, that's not what I said." I'd say, "Then explain to me what you mean."  Then he would get all flustered and not be able to tell me. He told me he only feels "this way" about 5% of the time and that 95% of the time he is OK with "it." So I repeated back to him. "So you're fine with this 95% of the time?" No, he didn't mean that either. It always has bothered him. Good God. Then he would get angry with me for twisting his words. Um, OK. This is what a conversation held during a Mercury retrograde goes.

There was more, but it's not something I want to revisit publicly. You probably get the gist. My weight impacts him in a negative way. His message is that it has to change and it has to change right now. I pointed out that the people who are on Biggest Loser have a personal trainer, a gym membership, group support and a $50,000 goal. He offered that if I lost 50 pounds, he would absolutely stop smoking. (I'd rather have the $50,000) I told him I did not think it was fair for him to hold for ransom something he should already be doing. So he shot back, "Oh it would be safe for me because I could still be smoking 20 years from now and you would not have lost the weight." He suggested that perhaps I might be better motivated if we just didn't have sex until I'd lost a certain amount of weight.

I tried to hear beyond his tone, which the entire conversation was jeering and snotty and derisive. I tried to hear his truth, that he is worried about me, that my weight impacts him negatively and there are no excuses good enough, that he is scared my health is going to diminish. There was a time when I would have taken his words and turned them into self-loathing. This time, I just felt hurt and anger that he would take something that I cherished so much, my trust, the support he gives to me, the safety I felt with him, the feeling that I was complete as I was and be so comfortable destroying it. I would stand confidently naked in front of this man.   I would let him touch my belly and my hips, running his hands over the softness and believing that he was not repulsed. I felt lovely in his presence.

How can I do that now??

Since he has told me how disgusted he is by my rolls of fat, how can I let him see me naked without knowing that he is repulsed and hearing those words over and over in my head? When will I know that it's enough and that I no longer disgust him by how I look? Fifty pounds? One hundred pounds? My first husband sneered that instead of a car, we could save up and get me a tummy tuck. This was two months after the birth of our third child when I was dieting down from 130. When I weight 115 (my thinnest as an adult), he still complained about my fat. When I look at the photos from back then, I am skeletal.

How can I ever confide to him again regarding my weight? So many things I shared with him trustingly were used as weapons last night. I feel adrift now, not realizing how much I had come to depend on his support and acceptance to feel safe and capable. I do know it is highly foolish to invest in the behavior of someone else to help achieve your own success, but isn't that what support groups are all about? He was my support group!

Another dilemma (and I already know the answer to this one): Dr Phil says (and I have come to learn this is entirely true) that we teach people how to treat us. Now, when I succeed, have I shown him that this kind of hurtful, hateful behavior is an appropriate and effective tool? What message does it send to him? If he doesn't appreciate some aspect of my life or my personality, that he can berate me and I will change it?

The answer, of course, is that it doesn't matter overall. This isn't about him. My success is not about him (and now can be seen as occurring in spite of him, not with his help and support).

I still need to process this a good bit. I will get a lot of exercise today because I have to find some way to dig a path in the snow to the kennel and get it working again. Since that's a couple hundred feet from the house at least, I should be well sore by tonight.

He already called this morning to see how I was doing. I wasn't by any means ready to feel anything but cold and distant and sore. I cried after he called, wishing I could find the way to unlock this and not have it feel like such a negative thing between us. Because Eric has a hard time communicating his concerns without sounding completely hateful, I usually give him enormous leeway. This time, I am just not ready to do that. The wound is too personal and intimate to me to just let it go yet. Hate and grudges and anger do so little to help a relationship, but this is something I need to process a bit more before I can talk to him. I slept on the couch last night, so I am fairly tired (we desperately need a new couch) and my head is all messed up. While typing this around getting kids ready for school, I am trying to work it out in my mind and find a way and a place to put it to rest. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. I feel foolish for believing that he really accepted me for who and what I am and how I look (sucker!). I know there are many, many words of truth in what he has said and those are what I need to take away from this instead of how he said them (because his delivery has always sucked). Regardless, immense damage has been done to my confidence where he is concerned and I have lost my best support system. The words of encouragement I get from the readers of this journal mean the world to me, especially now since it is all I've got.

When I woke up, I had an email waiting for me from a dear woman who follows the journal. In the context of what she was sharing with me, she said, "Stay POSITIVE and WARM------- Sprint is near!" I started to cry right then (and really haven't much stopped since) because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

When you are reading this, it is important that you know that:

1) What Eric has said has in no way thrown me off track or made me any less determined to succeed. It hit me at a low point and I know it bothered me more because of that.

2) My husband is not always an asshole. He just really shines at it in rare moments.

3) I know this is completely not about Eric, it's about me. That doesn't mean it did not hurt for him to do this. It does mean that I will likely never, ever again share one iota of information with him about my weight loss journey. He has punched that ticket.

4) I know he will ultimately apologize and I will accept it, but the bell has been rung.

5) I'm OK, I just have some healing to do.

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 19:33:33 GMT

Yesterday was a supreme act of will. I fasted for 26 hours from 6pm Wednesday until 8pm last night. I drank a lot of water, had a slim fast at lunch time when I was really starting to feel it and had a cup of hot cocoa after doing some shoveling. I was aching around 5pm, really starving, and asked Eric, the King of the Fast, if soup was allowed and he sort of sniffed, "When *I* fast, I only have water, so I really can't say." Um, OK. I wasn't fasting to make any direct weight loss progress and in fact, from what I read, the biophysical responses to fasting are contradictory to weight loss. I did it as a mind game with myself to prove that I do have control over what I do and do not eat. I also wanted a good clean out, which I feel like I got. I was going to continue on through today, but I started to feel really shaky and figured my blood sugar needed balancing, so I had a very light turkey sandwich last night. This morning I ate a bit, but kept it to a minimum compared to what I normally eat. I am not really seeing the results I want to see from the exercise I have been doing, so I need to drop some calories as well. When I go to severely restricted calories that come only from liquids and let my stomach rest for a while, I am able to more easily move up to a limited calorie budget and feel as though I am splurging.

Monday is the two week point from my last measurement day, so I should probably check in and see if I have made any progress. I do not feel any smaller. I feel stronger and healthier, but not smaller. I did drop a dress/pants size in the past month, so that's good. If I can do that about 8 more times, I'll have it made.

I did manage to get up to 30 minutes on the gazelle today. Demand more from yourself! :)

I'm dedicated to keep on doing this. Exercising every day has finally become habit and I embrace that change. Water is also starting to fit in more comfortably, especially after yesterday.

I will be back on Monday.

Interesting!!

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 19:22:20 GMT

I would love to weigh 180 again!! Bring it on!

You Should Weigh 180

If you weigh less than this, you either have a fast metabolism or are about to gain weight.
If you weigh more than this, you may be losing a few pounds soon!

How Much Do You Weigh?

Monday Weight and Measure

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 14:45:45 GMT

I finally decided to check for progress. As I think I mentioned before, I only have measurements from last September to compare and I know that I gained at least 10 pounds (and no telling how many inches) since then. My clothes were definitely pushing me to buy a higher size, but I refused to do it, so I mostly went around in clothes that were too tight.

Now those clothes are getting loose and I will likely be backing down to a smaller size in a month or so.

So let's see. I started working out almost every day on February 6th when I got the Body Flex bar. Since then, I missed one weekend (where I didn't do anything at all) and otherwise, have done some form of exercise every day, either aerobic or strength building or both. I have been half-assedly watching what I eat, but not really denying myself anything I want (I just have it in smaller servings). I find that I am naturally eating less and my portions are getting smaller and smaller all the time. I seldom clean my plate any more. I don't graze through the day and usually eat 3, 4 or 5 times a day, depending on whether or not I want a snack in the morning or afternoon. If I am not hungry, I do not eat. I eat more fiber. I drink more water. I rarely have caffeine. At this point, I do not make an attempt to balance carbs and protein (although that is very likely my next step) and eat what I feel like eating at the time. Invariably, I exercise in the morning and do not eat until I have exercised.

I am more sure-footed than I was before and definitely stronger. I feel much better inside.

So the end result for now is that since February 6th, I have lost 3.7 pounds and since September I have lost a total of 4.5 inches (plus whatever inches I gained between September and February). I only measured my bust, waist, hips and thigh because that's the only comparative measurements I had.

I am happy with the results and I am sure the success will continue. Of course, it would have been exciting to see greater progress, but I am perfectly content with these numbers as a starting point.

Not Much Different

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 22:30:48 GMT

Whew. I have worked out absolutely every day since Monday, the 6th. That's 10 days straight. It seems like so much longer. Prior to that, I worked out for two weeks but took off the weekends. Mostly, it was body flex and the gazelle, but since the 8th, I have done strength training every day. I work biceps, triceps, shoulder, laterals, abdominals, legs and butt. They get covered in 6 different exercises. As I've gotten stronger, I've upped the reps, which started at three sets of three reps of each exercise. Now I'm up to 3 sets of 10 reps of each exercise and can really feel it afterward. My next goal is 12, then 15, then after I master 15 (which I definitely could not do now... I have to really push for 10 each), I'll roll the bar to increase the tension on the resistance tube. I do aerobic exercise at least 5 days a week and shoot for 7. If I am really resisting and feeling like I just don't want to exercise at all, I at least force myself to do the strength exercises. I don't let myself do that more than twice a week and work hard for it not to happen at all. I am sure that as I begin to see more progress, it will be easier for me to keep going with it. Also, it will be more of a lifestyle rather than "something different that I am doing." I am eager to get the exercising to be so much of my life that it feels weird if I don't do it. I need to get my heart healthier, my blood pressure down and my body stronger. The weight loss is a wonderful fringe benefit from those main objectives.

I am very reluctant to weigh or measure until after I have my period. It's still not showing up, but I am holding a lot of fluid and if I am going to chart my success (or my lack, whichever it is), I want it to be genuine and not around fluid retention, bloating, etc. I am not in any way discouraged and have every intention of continuing to plug away at it.

One thing about this time that is very, very different is that I find it to be more inspirational and motivational to have the foods in the house that I am limiting severely. It's all a mind game anyway. In the past, I always purged the house of things I couldn't have, longed for them and missed them tremendously. Now, I don't deny myself those things, but I really control how much of it I eat. If I don't have the things in the house at all, I feel as though I am winning by default (by not having them available) and depriving myself. By having them in the house, I feel more as if I am making a conscious choice to not eat them and that makes me feel more powerful.

Yesterday, I realized how much I missed having Valentines candy this year. So I bought a giant heart of candy half price at WalMart ($4, whoo hooo!), put out three for yesterday and three for today, then gave the rest to Delena to give to her friends at school today. I also bought a box of sugar free turtles to have for me over the next few days. Three of them have 160 calories and 11 grams of fat, so they are not the healthiest food in the world, but I'll adjust the rest of my daily intake to accommodate them if I decide I want them.

I've eliminated almost all of the foods I could take or leave that I used to graze on through the day. I haven' t eliminated them from my house (because that would mean removing all food because hell, I'll eat anything) but from my daily eating. When I eat, I make sure it's something that I really love. I make sure it's something that I am eating on purpose and will make sure to consider it at least 3 times before I eat it. If I am on the fence about whether I really want it or really should or shouldn't eat it, then I put it back and wait. If it haunts me, I may or may not come back for it.

The days are melting one into another. It doesn't feel like an extreme effort on my part. It feels like a sacrament. All I am denying myself is compulsive eating and forcing myself into accountability for my choices. It doesn't feel bad; it feels really good.

In the near future, in a month or so, I am thinking (Spring Equinox, I imagine), I will begin more aggressively tightening up what I eat. That way, I can ease into it. First, get the rhythm of the exercising, then shove off of the compulsive eating, then pare down the calories and fat a little more while maintaining the protein intake. I still remain overall caffeine free. I haven't really missed it, but oh...my...god... I am tired ALL the time. I sleep better at night, but I never seem to fully wake up during the day and crave naps. I've had caffeine daily since I was a child, so I am sure I am well used to the energy it provides. I have a bit of iced tea sometimes if we're out and yesterday, mmmm, I actually drank a few swigs of Mountain Dew. Glorious. Mountain Dew and real Dr Pepper I really miss. I haven't been able to drink Diet Dr Pepper because the stores where I shop haven't been carrying the Diet Caffeine Free Dr Pepper. I do like it, but it's a whole other animal than real Dr Pepper.

Today, for the first time in a month, I took each of the dogs out for a half-mile walk, up and down the hills. Last night, I splurged ten big bucks and bought a walking harness for them that keeps them from pulling ahead. The guy on The Dog Whisperer has a way of putting on the leash where it is high on their neck and keeps them from pulling, but I can't figure out how he does it. This harness goes around their neck, crosses on their chest and their their legs go into fleecy loops and it hooks to the leash at their upper shoulders. The result is that the pull from the leash comes onto their whole body rather than just the neck. JoBu, of course, still managed to give my arm a good work out, but the other two did really great. They love to go for walks and it really gives me a heavy duty cardio work out. I can really feel how out of shape I am when I go up and down the hills, but I feel better (if more tired) for doing it afterward. We supposedly have some heavy weather coming our way, so I am not sure how long I will be able to do that. It's in the 50's today, but gets very cold at night. I had to wear my furry boots and heavy coat for the walk. I am determined to get new gloves and an ear band when I go out with Dylan this week. I had a twinge of an earache after the walk from the wind whistling.

Just wanted to say that I am still hanging in there and haven't given up or fallen off any wagons lately.

Success!

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 18:02:52 GMT

Well, a little success, anyway. I don't think I have lost any weight, but I have lost inches. I did the Body Flex routines for aerobic exercise last week, then added on the strength training with the gym bar (a plastic bar with a resistance tube attached). On the tape, she only does 3 set of 3 reps of each exercise, but after that, I didn't really feel as though I'd done anything, so I went through the workout again. Partway through the week, instead off stopping to rest after each set of 3 reps, I continued on while she rested, which was really just adding one more rep in between each set and keeping it a steady flow of 12 reps as 1 set instead of 3 reps, stop, 3 reps, stop, 3 reps, stop, next exercise. Today, I just did my own thing without the tape, doing the Body Flex exercises to get into an aerobic place for a little while, then doing each strength exercise for 3 sets of 10 reps each. I won't kid you, it was really, really hard. Eric has told me that when you are determining how many reps you want to do, you should be at a point where that is quite literally all you can do when you're done. Believe me, that's all I could do. I was a little shaky and unsteady afterwards, but it still felt good to have done it. When I pulled up the last rep for each exercise, I knew I had done absolutely all that muscle could do for that work out. Having been to a really fine gym to work out (the gym on our now defunct Air Force base), I can truly say that I got just as good of a work out on that gym bar as I ever did on any kind of Nautilus or other fancy gym equipment.

Yesterday, Nathan (6) was hugging me and he said (and I was so glad he said it in front of Eric), "Mom, you are getting so, so skinny! I am so happy of you!" That brought tears to my eyes. When I am finished with my upcoming period (which should have hit by now, so no telling when it will finally show up), I am going to measure and weigh in.

I made my goal of working out both days of the weekend instead of taking them off as I usually do. I learned that what I suspected is true. The tortilla chips at the Mexican restaurant that Eric and I go to do make me sick. I guess they are just too greasy now. I don't mind giving them up, even though they are the best I've ever had. I don't need to eat anything that is going to make my stomach that upset.

I have not been cutting back nearly enough on my food intake. I know I can do better than I have been. Mostly, I'm just trying to ease into a healthier way of eating rather than having a dividing line that says, "After today, I will eat this way." Each Monday, I up the ante a little bit more, just turning up the dial a fraction more to tighten things up (literally). It seems to be working, but of course, not as fast as the people who white knuckle it. I expect to look a good bit different a year from now.

Body Flex Plus

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 16:22:06 GMT

I got my Body Flex Plus kit, ordered from ebay, yesterday.  I was pretty excited because I've been doing the old version of Body Flex for years now and really do think it works well if you stick to it, so I was eager to see what she'd done to change things and how she was going to use the gym bar. The gym bar itself is basically a resistance tube that hooks into a plastic bar (the bar can break apart into two pieces for storage, but the button that releases it on mine broke the second I pushed it, so I'll just leave it together, I guess.

The workout itself is very similar to the old one, except it is done in a chair rather than through floor work and standing. Several of the original exercises have been modified to do in a chair. The gym bar is not used until the end, when strength training is introduced for triceps, biceps, shoulders, abs, waist, butt and legs. I do feel it was a good workout and feels more comprehensive than the original. Afterwards, I felt like going on, so I did another set of each of the strength exercises. I definitely feel well exercised and I am sure this will be part of my daily routine. There is also an advanced version that I would like to get for later on.

I'd give it an A.

Of the exercise options I have, here are the grades so far:

Treadmill: motorized, C - It's a good work out, but it's very, very loud and monotonous.

Exercise Ball: B - A wonderful tool to accentuate a work out with crunches, push ups and many other common exercises. Even when I have used it alone, I've seen good results and it's great for protecting the back.

Resistance Tubes: B - They are a great alternative to free weights if you purchase at least 2-3 different strengths. Be sure and find a good workout program to use with them. They can be cumbersome when using the Curves workout for resistance tubes, which involves winding them around chairs and all sorts of crap. I tried to use the door accessory, but the tubes ate through the canvas.

Gazelle: A - Wonderful product, no impact so it's great for people who have bad knees or hips, definitely lets you work up a sweat, but you have to really put yourself into it.  The cheapest model does not support people over 250 pounds, so heavier folks will have to get the more expensive model.  Gives a wonderful arm and leg workout and definitely burns calories.

Exercise Bike: D - Hurts my butt. Nuff said.

Recumbent Exercise Bike: A - Only $108 at Walmart, gives a great work out with magnet resistance instead of air and definitely lets me feel the effects.

Yoga: Suzanne Deason, "Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss.": A - She isn't annoying and on the DVD, you can use the angle function to choose the workout level that is best for you.

I'm a happy girl!

Progress

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 20:24:38 GMT

I haven't lost a single pound, but my boobs are now larger than my belly. Maybe my boobs just got bigger. I've still be exercising every day in the early morning so it's done and out of the way before my day actually begins. Sometimes, Eric gets up and works out with me and sometimes, I do it as soon as he leaves for the day. This weekend, I plan to continue working out instead of taking a 2 day break. My eating has been so so. Better than it used to be but not what it ought to be. I am still conscious about what I put into my body, but sometimes, I consciously eat more than I should.

I still look forward very much to being lean, strong and healthy and I believe it can happen. Just not as fast as I hoped. I still am mixing up my work outs with gazelle, yoga, body flexing and biking. My endurance is building and I definitely feel better. That has to be good, right? At least it is a good, solid beginning.

Tightening the Package

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 17:34:37 GMT

As I look back on the past three weeks since I re-started my efforts after the holidays, I can see that this has been an "easing in" process. I had to get used to the act of exercising 5 days a week. I had to get used to the act of drinking a good bit of water every day. I had to get used to the act of limiting sweets and fats. I have felt my muscles getting stronger under my fat. I feel better hydrated and healthier from the water. The only supplement I take is a One-a-Day Weight Smart. I do yoga twice a week and felt the results of that when I was at an Aikido studio on Saturday, sitting on the floor on a mat. Good thing are happening, but one of them is NOT weight loss and not really even inch loss. The most I have seen is that my elbows are a little pointier. Normally, I would be discouraged, but I can see this time as part of a process to get to where I need to be.

Now, I am ready to put a little more white knuckle into it. So far, it hasn't really been hard, compared to other times I have tried to lose weight, mostly because I have not been pushing myself. The changes have been gentle and forgiving. It is time to "fish or cut bait." :)

My cousin, Virginia, responded to my last post and said that since Thanksgiving, she has lost 25 pounds by treadmilling 6 days a week and cutting back to 1500 calories a day. I am SO proud of her. It really inspired me to take a tighter control of what I am doing here and get the ball rolling on this project.

I am still extremely honored and excited to be able to do this. I know I can do it. This is MY year and I am truly going to make this happen. I have been blessed with so many little miracles to help me along. For instance, last night, I made a nice dinner of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, biscuits, gravy and corn on the cob. I had a little of everything and quit when I was full. David was visiting with his friend, Amber, and she made a spice cake (my favorite). Since I was full, I didn't have any, but very nearly an entire cake was left over when they split. Yikes! I was worried and honestly prepared to trash the whole thing so I would not be tempted, but TA-DA! I noticed that instead of vanilla frosting, she used cream cheese frosting! Yayyyy! I HATE cream cheese! :) So that was great.

I wanted the new Body Flex work out with the gym bar. I had such good luck with the old program, but felt like I wanted to do something different. I immediately began checking on the DVD, but it was really prohibitively expensive for me at around $50, whether I got it new or used. Yesterday, I found it on VHS for considerably less (as tends to be the case) and as much as I hate VHS, I decided to bid on it anyway and see if I could at least get the idea of the work out. I love having so many exercise options. I have the treadmill, the recumbent bike, the gazelle, the mini-trampoline, Body Flex, Walk Away the Pounds, walking the dogs, the exercise ball, the resistance tubes... Then there's yoga twice a week. That's one thing about having a weight loss journey that lasts decades. You amass a number of different avenues to tried and abandoned, so when you really are ready to do it, there are a lot of options at your disposal. Other than diet medications, I plan to use parts of all of the things I have learned over the years to bring about success. I also ordered (freebie through my book club), a book on strength training with resistance tubes and the exercise ball. Strength training is something I have always wanted to explore, but have never done so with any kind of genuine momentum.

I just adjusted my Fitday PC program (best download I ever paid for) to reflect my new goal. The target I have set is healthy, but very optimistic. I do not expect it to be easy, that is for sure. My plan is to get to 150 pounds, which is just inside the recommended weight for my height, body type and age, by October 31st. That is exactly 40 weeks and 1 day. I'll be losing right around 2 pounds a week. There is no excuse good enough this time. There is no fear strong enough. There is no doubt powerful enough and there is no carb that tastes yummy enough for me to fail.

Besides, I have to see Carolyn Aspenson in July and there's no way I'm going to do that when I am even fatter than the last time she saw me. If I could have her out here as my personal trainer, I'm betting I wouldn't even need 40 weeks and a day. The fat would flee from me in terror. : P Carolyn is a physical fitness commando! (Hey, we all have to have our inspiration and motivation and mine is fear of Carolyn!) She would take those trainers on Biggest Loser and show them what pussies they really are!

Another kind of out of the blue change that I learned I would be making (when you listen to your body, it doesn't always tell you what you want to hear) is that I will be giving up caffeine for the most part. I might have the occasional glass of iced tea when I am dining out, but for the most part, it's going to be clear diet soda, water. very occasional juices and herb tea. I have not been reacting well to stimulants lately and this is the one I use most, so away it goes. If Sherry can do it, so can I.

I knew today was launch day of the "real" efforts and last night, I promptly had a melt down, fueled by anxiety over a dental situation coming up meets overly emotional late and finally here period hormones. Eric was a doll and just let me rant out all of my fears about weight loss. What if I did all of this and gained it right back with friends? What if I am left with giant folds of skin that won't go away? What if I am out walking and I fall and no one can find me? What if I'm not as attractive as I remember after I lose weight? He suggested I have him do a Tarot reading on it, so we did. It pretty much said that my efforts are blessed and that the outcome will be wonderful and all will hail to my weight loss mastery. It also said I was worry about things I didn't need to worry about and should be applying my energy better (as in "kick up the efforts a bit"). That helped a good bit.

Today is the second part of my "beginning" and I know there will be a lot of other links in the chain that takes me to a successful October 31 conclusion. I can do it... I am doing it... It is done.

Update

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 19:05:57 GMT

I continued working out with the bike, with my yoga video (now completely with mat, blocks and a strap, which make all the difference in the world) and walking the dogs. I watched what I ate carefully until Saturday, when I had friends visiting from out of state and I wanted the freedom to eat with less restriction. I went back into watching what I ate on Tuesday after they went back home.

I have still not lost a single pound, but I know I am thinner in some spots. My elbows are sharper. My rings are much looser. My belly is still really big. I am not overly depressed about it. I know I am making gentle changes and that is not going to bring about abrupt change, even over 3 weeks. I do feel better and I sleep much better than I did before. I also believe that I am going to segue into tightening up the ship a bit more when spring comes (the planting time) and get more aggressive about it. I really do what to lose the weight and put my focus on maintenance rather than repair. It will feel good to lose the sleep apnea, to have my blood pressure go down and to feel more active and vital. I am eager to see good results and it is hard to wait for that, which is why we fall victim to so many quick fixes. It's also hard to look at such a long road ahead of (perceived) deprivation and hard work when we are so tuned into using food as our comfort from those very issues. No matter how much we try to find a replacement, there is very little that comforts us the way food did. I think the only incentive is progress and mine is taking its time.

I easily have a year of this before I am even close to my goal. That's hard to think about sometimes. I know it has to happen. I did two things yesterday that really made me stare that fact in the face, literally. I downloaded the photos that were taken while my friends were here and I went back through the photos from the General Hospital Fan Club Weekend for 2001, 2003, 2004 and 2005 to compile a scrapbook of our staff members. There was no denying how much bigger I have gotten over the past 4 years. I am looking at my mother's face with better make up, less stress and hair products. I have to do this for so many reasons. One is so that I do not die at 60 like she did. Another is so I do not die at 51 like my father did. Another is so my husband can actually be married to a wife to whom he is sexually attracted (with any luck). Another is so I can show my children what determination can do. Then there are the "if I don't" things. If I don't lose weight, I am going to have to buy even bigger clothes because I just keep inflating more every year. If I don't lose the weight, I am going to have more pain in my joints and in my back. If I don't lose weight, I am no longer going to be able to reach my butt to wipe. If I don't lose weight, neither my husband nor I am going to get a good night's sleep until I am dead.

All good reasons. They are the things I say to myself during the tough times. Gotta get it done and do it one step at a time.

:)

I am also looking to get back into Body Flex and I am very disappointed that the DVD is $50 with postage. I got the videos in thrift stores and now there is a new set out on video. I think I am going to grab one when the tax return comes in!

Again, this is more of a check in to say that I'm still plugging along and the progress isn't all it could be if I were to get aggressive about it. I am afraid if I get aggressive about it, it will scare me off, so for the moment, I am staying with slow, positive changes.

Whew!

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 19:57:05 GMT

I got my "Yoga Conditioning For Weight Loss" DVD yesterday. I have it on VHS, but have not tried it for a couple of years. The last time I did it, I only got through the first 1/3 or so because it was so challenging. Plus, I hate working out with videos instead of DVDs. So I ordered it and it came yesterday and I worked on it today a bit. I did make it all the way through, although I did want to quit at several points. Since I had never really finished the whole thing, I didn't really have much of a point of reference as to how far into it I was. I am not, by nature, a very graceful person, so it's difficult for me under even the best of circumstances. I did learn some important things this time, however.

1) DVDs are definitely far superior to videos specifically for exercise and such. This DVD has an angle function where you can focus on the specific one of the four women demonstrating who is instructing at your own fitness level. That really helped.

2) I need a yoga brick, strap and mat. I thought I could make do with a large book, but that didn't cut it.

3) Don't wear shoes or a pony-tail holder next time!

4) Although it is almost exclusively stretching, ow.

5) I can do things I was pretty sure I couldn't do. Can't do them particularly well, but I can do them.

6) My belly is extremely limiting. "Knees to chest" in reality means "knees to big fat belly." I also can barely get my legs together, which I did not know until I did this. I have so completely got to lose this weight. Enough, already.

7) I am very much not limber.

8) Delena observing the video as I work out to it and saying, "Agh! Too many similes!!" does not help. ;-)

9) "Honor any resistance you feel" doesn't mean stop and eat cookies.

10) We need a new word that is a deritive of "nameste" and means, "the God in me wants to greet the God in you, but the God in me is tired and wants to give up even more than it wants to greet the God in you, who seems to be doing just fine." While we're renaming, these positions need new names too. "Downward facing dog" should be called "upward facing ass." "Mountain pose" should be called "can we do this just a second longer before you kill me again?" I have already mentioned the "Knees to fat belly." "Proud warrior" could be called, "Ha ha, nice try." "Triangle" should be "see, we told you to get a yoga brick, y'cheap bastid."

I am thinking yoga will be a Tuesday Thursday thing with some biking to follow later in the day. As I get better at it, I may look forward to it more and incorporate it into more days.

I never know when anything is on in prime time, but last night, I happened to go to bed right when "The Biggest Loser" was coming on, so I watched it all. I was very impressed, but a little confused. It was the family challenge, so two families of three people each were competing for who could lose the biggest percentage of combined body weight. They stayed at the Biggest Loser ranch for 11 days, working out and dieting with personal trainers, then were sent back home to put it into action for 5 months before the final weigh in. Everyone was fully successful by anyone's standards and looked wonderful. They lost more weight than I would consider to be humanly possible in such a short amount of time. In the first 11 days, they lost between 14-20 or so pounds. Over 5 months, they each lost up to 80-90 pounds. The work out for 2-3 hours a day. There was not much mention of what they eat in a day. It was a little daunting, when I consider what I have been doing so far. It did give me more hope and I will likely watch it again next week. It motivates and helps me when I can see other people succeeding. If they can do it, I can do it.

It really helps to see people succeeding and convinces me that there really is such a beast. I feel so much healthier, but not a whole lot smaller. I guess that will come in time as the gentle changes I am making begin to take hold. Lots more water, exercising (I am going to start shooting for every day instead of just 4-5 a week) and monitoring everything I eat to make sure I remain below my maximum calorie allowance, plus a sheer determination to do whatever it takes to meet this goal and maintain a healthy weight.

To me, it feels like it is already done and in the meantime, I am wearing a fat suit that I'll upzip one day. I am already there, I just have to do the things to catch me up to the "reality."

I can do it, I am doing it and it is done.

Well Holy Moses!

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 23:13:42 GMT

Dr Phil has a show today on people who lost weight without surgery! It just keeps showing up! I KNOW I can do this!

This chick lost 117 pounds! No surgery! And her husband is named Eric! And in the military! (My Eric was in the military when we met and for 3 years after we were married) Previously, she weighed exactly what I weigh now. What are the chances of that?

How proud would Eric be of me if I did that?

Whoot!

My only fear at this point is having huge piles of empty, sagging skin all over me when I'm finished. I am not excited about the idea of having all kinds of (painful) cosmetic surgery to have it removed. I've always had really great skin and since I am only shooting for 2 pounds a week, I am going to presume the best and believe that with lots of patience, water and exercise, it will all be just fine. Why worry about what might happen when it's even more likely that everything is going to be just wonderful?

This is going to be such an incredible year! I can really feel it!

Still going!

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 19:05:25 GMT

I don't think I've lost a single pound. : P

But I am OK with that because I know I am doing all of the right things and I feel so much better now.

It's still so hard to choke down the water and I know I am getting only about half of what I should drink, but that is much better than the "none" I drank before. I'll work up to it. I've found tricks to getting more water. In the morning and at night when I brush my teeth, I force myself to drink a full glass. Three times a day when I take my supplements (Estrin D and a Weight Smart Vitamin), I force myself to drink a whole glass and then I try to get one or two more in otherwise.

My portion control is tremendously better than it used to be in that there is now portion control. I eat pretty much what I want, but the amount is very different. I had one regular sized slice of hand-tossed crust pizza this morning instead of three. I am still stuffed from that. If I want ice cream, I have a half cup instead of a giant cereal bowl of it with toppings. I don't snack all through the day in a constant graze, eating simply because I happen to not be eating and that just feels wrong. I make myself wait until meal or snack time. The Estrin D has gone a long way toward helping the impulse eating. It gives me a really strong "You're FULL, don't EAT ANY MORE" button. I have to only take 1 before each meal instead of the recommended dosage of 2. Two makes me really sick after I eat and one just gets me to eat less.

I have cut out nearly all sweets except for an occasional treat. I keep track of my food on my PC version of Fitday.com. Because I have so much to lose, I can eat up to 1800 calories and still lose weight, even without exercising (which I do).

So I feel full. I do not feel deprived in any way. I am not having any kind of emotional melt down from not having my food as a pacifier, I am sleeping well again, it's not particularly challenging or difficult, which prompts the question of why I always quit as soon as I start to feel any kind of progress.

Am I afraid of success? Do I just get pissy because I'm not eating all the time? What causes it to break down?

I have given this a lot of thought and the best I can come up with is that it is really just laziness. It isn't that I don't want it, because I do. It isn't that I don't know the benefits or feel better. It's more of not fixing the roof if it isn't raining. I have a great husband who will love me fat or thin. I do not have a life that requires physical activity. I have no immediate health crises. So if I do have a day where I want to pig out, I just do it and after that, I am off the wagon. That is just infantile. There is something I need to do to improve (and prolong) the life of myself and my family and I just need to do it, which I am going to do.

I can really feel it this time. It's working and I am going to make it a way of life so it keeps working.

I bought the People magazine from this week that has folks who have lost half their body weight or more without surgery. It was extremely inspiring. I even tolerated Oprah (although I was reminded profoundly of how much I truly dislike her) to watch the story of the lady who lost over 300 pounds (with surgery). All around me, people are succeeding with so many different avenues to reach that success. They are doing so around their own obstacles and challenges. With a life as blessed as mine, I am sure I have all I need to do so.

I just wish I didn't love to eat so much!

Last night, Eric and I were watching TV when a commercial came on for Nutrisystem. It's the one with Zora or Zola or whoever the reality TV chick is where she is bragging about going from a size 10 to a size 4. Eric (Goddess bless his sweet heart) said, "Why in the world are the acting as though a size 10 is huge?" I commented that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and he said, "But wasn't she really tall, like 6 feet?" I looked it up and she was only 5'5", which is my height. He got really excited and said, "But do you really think a size 14 is feasible for you?" I told him I fully expected to be there within a year or so and he was over the moon. I think I have adequately convinced him that I will be fat forever and he needs to get used to that. :) Now he can be surprised when it really happens.

Every day brings me closer to my goal, even if it is something as simple as reading a new article or staying under my calorie intake goal. Each day I feel blessed to have the chance to prove I can do this and that really, anyone can do this if they just decide that it's going to happen.

I have definitely decided it is going to happen.

I am only exercising for about 20 minutes 4-5 times a week, but I have faith I will be able to do more eventually. That's one reason being fat and out of shape sucks.

I am shooting for Oct 31st for significant change that anyone would notice and a year for people who knew me before not to be sure it's really me.

So far, so good!

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 16:49:44 GMT

I made it through the holidays without gaining any weight. In fact, I am 5 pounds lighter than when I re-started my efforts on November 17th. It's slow progress, partly because of the way I am doing it, by not introducing any radical changes and instead, working subtle changes in here and there and partly because of the extras I did allow myself around the holidays.

I can feel the 5 pound loss, even though it's not particularly noticeable just by looking. I am very optimistic for actually doing it this time. I have plenty of exercise resources between the recumbent bike, the gazelle, the treadmill (which I almost never use, mostly because it is loud and cumbersome), the exercise ball and the resistance tubes. I ordered a yoga DVD that I have on VHS and really like, "Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss." Good ol' Amazon Marketplace. I drink more water and I exercise several times a week.

This weekend (on Saturday), I started taking two supplements. One is the Equate (Walmart's brand) version of One-A-Day Weight Smart and the other is Estrin D, which is a weight loss supplement for pre-menopausal and menopausal women. I only take half the recommended dosage since it has a lot of caffeine in it. It works like gastric bypass in a bottle. If I eat more food than about the size and a half of my fist, I get really queasy. If I eat any really greasy foods (like the potato skins I ate on Sunday), I get quite nauseated. It might sound odd to take a pill that makes you feel fine until you eat the wrong foods, then makes you feel really ill, but it is quite effective for me. It is amazing how dispassionate it has made me about food. Since I get sick if I eat when I am actually not hungry, it has seriously cut out the emotional eating and made me much more objective about food. I don't know if it will work in the long term, but on the reduced dosage, I feel much better and in control than I have since I most recently started this process again. I actually feel as though I can and will do it this time. It is sort of like a nicotine patch for overeating or eating very poorly. It is definitely a profound deterrent. No sleep problems with it (as I usually have with caffeine based supplements) if I take my last one before 4pm or so. It seems to boost my energy and metabolism without making me feel shaky or overly revved. Since it doesn't do the bad things and pretty much forces me into eating a reasonable amount of food that is good for me, I will likely stick with it for a while.

Mostly, I am just checking in to let you know I survived the holiday season with no real damage, actually made some progress, albeit slow, and I'm doing OK. :)

Good Day!

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 18:13:10 GMT

I woke up feeling great this morning, which is saying something since I was in bed dying all day yesterday. I got up for tiny bits at a time, but pretty much from the time the kids left at 9am until this morning, I was in bed. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out on the feel good and I am taking it slow, but so far, so good. I still have a bit of a sneeze and sniffles, but no more headache, no more extreme fatigue and no more earaches.

I ate a good bit of oatmeal for breakfast, two servings, actually. It is keeping me nice and full. I'd forgotten how well it sticks to ones ribs. I put in a half hour on the recumbent bike. Found I wasn't sweating much at my target zone, so I upped the price of poker a bit and kept my heart rate at 140-150, which definitely gave me a nice sheen. I felt even better after I exercised than I did before. I can breathe. I can expand my lungs and not feel asthmatic. I have energy. This is such a blessing. It is amazing how much we take our health for granted until we don't have it any more.

Now, today, I feel amazing. Like I can do anything at all.

I think I lost weight while I was sick, but I am hesitant to weigh myself, not because I am afraid of what I might see but because I am having severe misgivings about even having a scale, much less letting it dictate my mood, which it sometimes does. I want to be healthy and part of being healthy means taking off this excess weight, which is not completely dictated by a scale. Still, a person is not going to be lean, strong and healthy while weighing as much as I do, so the numbers on the scale actually do mean something.

I know, Sherry, I know! I'm going right now!

(But I already ate today and didn't poop it out yet!!!)

(OK, OK, I'm going!!)

Not so bad. Three pounds down from my heaviest (in my life), which was about a week and a half ago, so that's good. I'll take it. One day at a time, right?

I'm off to wrap presents and take inventory.

Hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season!

:)

Checking In

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 18:43:42 GMT

Lost two pounds (yay!), but I suggest that is more related to being sick than to anything I've actually done (or not done).

I have still been exercising. Last week, I was busy on the gazelle every day and I was surprised by how much it did NOT prepare me for the recumbent bike I bought myself for a Solstice gift. Wal-Mart had nice ones on sale for $108, so I rearranged some bills and went for it. Eric put it together for me. I have an air bike, but the seat of it always hurts my butt after only 5 minutes or so on it. I've tried pillows with no luck. The recumbent bike is comfortable as long as I am not making the pedals move. I had no idea how out of shape I truly am. The bike provides resistance with magnets rather than air or wheels. It has plenty of different settings, but even at the lowest setting, I am winded after only 7-8 minutes at my target heart rate. At 44, mind you, my target heart rate is a paltry 88-132. Since my resting heart rate is in the mid 60's, all I pretty much have to do is move to reach my target zone. I tend to keep it in the high 120's when I am working out. Over 130 and I start feeling like I am going to keel over. Pretty sad, I know. I can do 20 minutes at a time and then it's done. That's just yesterday and today, so I expect I'll soon be able to work up to a longer time. I have found through experience that I tend to build up stamina quickly then give up almost immediately after I start to build up stamina. The trick seems to be to avoid the whole "giving up" point and latch onto the whole "sticking with it" point. I would love to have the body of this lady in the picture (and I don't mean have it in my freezer).

Something turned over this weekend and I got to a point that I really do just want the weight off. My hope is that this time next year, I will be looking at this struggle in my rear view mirror.

Recent thinking

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 20:31:48 GMT

What a process this is, but those of you who are on the same path, regardless of where you are on the path, already know that.

If you are even thinking about getting your body back into healthy shape again, it's a long process. In fact, sometimes, it's so long of a process that it's formidable to even think about doing. If you're partway through, you know how had it is to keep going and to know your goal is in sight, but you also know how easy it would be to become a little more lax and lose that progress. If you are finished and maintaining that weight loss, you know what it is like to live every day with the knowledge that more than 90% of dieters end up back where they were or worse.

I have a dear friend who rightly suggests that we think about this way too much and that all of this focus on our fat puts energy into staying fat.

I have been spending a good bit of time thinking not so much about my weight or what the numbers say, but on what works and what doesn't. It's some of my preparatory work. As a Virgo, I have to plan and make lists and think. Once I get all of that done, with any luck, I can stop thinking and do. I'm doing now, but more of working on a skeleton crew status than with the staff fully manned.

When I'm making lists for self-evaluation, I start with the things I know to be true, or at least true for me, and proceed from there. I have been fortunate to be blessed with a plethora of books and stories from readers and friends. I have a ton of information to consider and incorporate, table or discard. Fortunately, I filter quickly.

Here are some truths I have come up with so far:

Exercise is essential. Not negotiable.

Water drinking is essential. Not negotiable.

Protein every day is essential. Not negotiable.

I eat to make myself feel better over the slightest little frustration or irritation. Not because I am hungry because I rarely allow myself the opportunity to get hungry. I eat all day if I don't think about it and stop myself.

I do not discriminate against food. Although I prefer "nurture foods" that are warm and filling, I'll munch on about anything. My least favorite is cold and crunchy, which sadly, includes the good stuff like celery, carrots, etc. I don't mind the taste, it just does not fulfill the emotional eating part.

I obviously need to come up with some other way of comforting myself besides nibbling and eating.

As a friend suggested here, gum definitely helps a lot. I'd never thought of that and tried it and it works. Want to munch, grab gum, just as good. It might be my complete and total secret weapon in this. Gum, fortunately, is cheap. I use a lot of it. A LOT.

Cutting out candy and cookies is not as hard as I thought, especially since my diet juju is messing with me. As a treat for how well I've been doing, I bought a double box of Queen Anne cordial cherries (milk chocolate, not dark... do I LOOK like a Barbarian?). I figured I could have a couple a day. Got home and they were all crushed. I was subsequently crushed. Oh well. Can't eat sticky cherries.

Cutting back on bread and potatoes is hard, so I just limit those things considerably.

As so many have pointed out, thinking of being on a diet or having the objective of losing weight puts too much emphasis on the idea of deprivation and longing and discomfort.

I bought a book yesterday called Diets Don't Work. It's by Bob Schwartz and was at the used book store for $3. I didn't buy it because of its content, although some of it looks quite good. He mentioned, [paraphrased] "To be a thin person, you have to think and act like a thin person. Thin people eat only because they are hungry. Thin people only eat foods they love. Thin people do not eat in secret. Thin people stop eating when they are full." So yes, there is good info in there, but the reason I bought it is because it has a lot of very introspective exercises included in it and the space to do it and someone has been very busy in this book. As I looked through it, a person with very lovely handwriting had painstakingly filled in every blank, baring their soul and taking the time to complete every exercise... until page 75. 75 out of 200. She stopped on page 75, partway through an exercise about reasons she has been prevented from losing weight in the past. The last thing she wrote in the book was, "It's such a long road, if I can't get it right now, I don't want to struggle for it." She writes extensively about how inept she feels, how unloved, unhappy and unaccepted. She states that she eats because her mate makes her feel humiliated and used, that it helps her to forget all of the things that are wrong with her life, that it makes her feel pampered. Her goals in life are to meet someone who thinks she's wonderful and to be able to trust her female friends. She wants to get down to 112 pounds (YIKES! I hope she's only about five feet tall!), to get a tan and to get a breast lift. To complete the sentence, " I have wanted to lose weight since..." she says, "...I can remember."

I have found myself wanting to date this writing and there really isn't any way to do so that I can find. The book was written in1982. For her weight loss attempts, she mentions: Stillmans (which I have not heard mentioned in forever), metrocal, fasting, low-carb and nutri-system. None are particularly new methods, so I am thinking earlier rather than later or there would be a Stacker 2 or Hydroxycut mentioned, I think. I feel odd knowing these things about this woman and not knowing where she is now or how she's doing. I do know I bought the book because it just felt wrong for this personal information to be out there on display. I paid the $3 to bring this into privacy and to see what this guy has to say.

In discussing the phenomenal failure rate of diets, which he quotes at 99.5%, he says, [again, paraphrased] "If you standing on the bank of a river that is filled with man-eating sharks who are angry and hungry and the water is churning and boiling over the sides of the banks, if you watched 200 people jump into that river, see 199 ripped apart by the sharks and one guy make it to the other shore, pull himself up onto the bank and wave to you, telling you it's great over there, are you going to jump in and take your chances?" That is what it's like when you read the success stories from different diets. So we don't diet. We make gradual, tiny life changes toward the goal of health. The first should be exercise (not the last), then gradually reducing the sweets in your life, then gradually paring down the portions, then increasing the water intake. Pretty soon, you're exercising as part of your daily routine, eating what you should and drinking water without feeling the deprivation or restrictions.

Of course, I'm saying this with about 100 pounds to lose. It's just the mindset in which I am operating. Like I said at the beginning, I have to create a foundation of truths on which to operate and that is what I have come up with so far.

Inspiration

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:13:57 GMT

In case any of you missed this in the comments section of a previous entry, someone who reads the Fatastic Journal wrote out her story at my request. Thanks so much to her for sharing this very personal story:

I don't mind sharing my story. It helps me to stay focussed.

I have been "heavy" all my adult life. Married at 17, had kids early, husband is a drinker, same old story. Last year, when I turned 49, I decided that this can't be all there is. The only one making me fat is me. I had an excuse for everything I put in my mouth. I followed other people's journals, and copied what they did. I did the Atkins diet, South Beach diet, insulin resistance diet, etc. Most gave me fantastic results, losing 60+ lbs. and getting down to 201. Never under 200. I tried Curves, going to the gym, walking, the Gazelle, a treadmill, nothing kept it off. I also was not feeling good, am a type 2 diabetic, high cholesterol, high blood pressure.

I swore that NO ONE would ever talk me into gastric bypass surgery, that was too extreme and for weak people, and look at all the celebrities that just did it. Then I went to a support group meeting for overweight people that were considering gastric bypass. It sounded like it might be my solution. I ordered 8 books from Amazon.com and read them all. I went to 2 other different programs and decided it was time to take my life back. I saw the transformation of these people after the weight was gone. It is NOT about looking good at all, it is about FEELING good. I could not get on the floor and play with my granddaughters. When I took the oldest granddaughter to the lake, she could swim and I longed to do that with her. Why was I hiding behind my weight? The people at the meeting were so HAPPY! I wanted to be happy again!

The program I went to involved a lot of counselling and referrals. I saw a dietician, a psychiatrist, a cardiologist, a gastroenterologist, a pulmonary specialist, etc. It took over 8 months of testing and pushing at it. At first, and some people still now, do not agree with my decision. My husband and daughter support me whole-heartedly, but my son refuses to talk about it (he is 32).

I guess my reasoning is that the time was right for ME. It finally hit me, that only I could change things.

This first two weeks has been really tough. They say the first 8 weeks are the worst. You go to virtually NO food. You are not hungry, but when you go from filling a 258 lb. body daily to 2 oz. of a protein shake three times a day, that's a big change. I thought I was prepared, but nothing can prepare you for that. I had my staples removed today and the doctor says I am doing very well. I have lost 26 lbs. so far!!! Thanksgiving will be rough - but hey, there's nothing I can do about except be positive!!

Feel free to ask any questions, I hope this helped you.

Harder than I thought!

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:54:46 GMT

Day 2

Got the exercise behind me today, plus putting a bit more ass into my usual movements, like going up the stairs faster and more often. In the past, there have been full days that passed where the only time I went upstairs was to sleep at night. I am only doing 15-20 minutes at a good pace on the gazelle for now, but I know from experience that I will build up quickly. I was very pleased with my gazelle progress before and I believe it will work out for me again. I drink more water. I have almost completely cut out sweets (and I ate a lot of them) and starchy foods are greatly limited. These are all changes I can live with on a long term basis and not feel deprived or resentful. I am sure there will be special days here and there where I splurge and I do believe that is necessary as a part of the emotional process of losing weight, but I also know from experience that I will take advantage of that and very much need to keep those days to a minimum.

I know that if I start taking week days off from exercising, that it will be a challenge for me to get going again. My weekends are so very different from my week days that it's normal for me to do things out of the ordinary, but my weekdays are very similar and I need to make sure that I stay in the pattern of exercising on those days. I do it in the morning, so I know it's been done and I can't put it off all through the day, then go to bed that night knowing I didn't do it.

I am working to love the healthy changes into my life rather than going all strict regimen.

I have definitely found some true challenges. I really do miss the sweets a lot and the breads. I eat whole wheat bread for my sandwiches, low carb tortillas for breakfast burritos and I worked in a biscuit with last night's dinner. I miss those things, but that's not the most immediate test.

The biggie is that I have learned that I have become quite a grazer and I am evidently accustomed to eating all through the day. I get really antsy if I go to the kitchen for something to eat, then have to pull back and do something else instead of eating because I know that I am not actually hungry and it is not really time to eat. After that, I don't feel "right" until I've finally gotten something to eat, even if that is quite a while away. I try to go 2 hours between eating, whether it is a meal or a snack, and that has been a tremendous challenge. I had no idea how dependent I had become on food to pick me up and keep me happy through the day. It's like a tiny little heroin injection that carries me through the next bit of time until I can eat again.

I wasn't like this before so much. This has come up with my most recent weight gain. I have also found that when it is the grazing that is vexing me, it doesn't really matter WHAT I eat, but it's the actual act of eating that comforts me. It can be sweet, salty, protein, grain, whatever. As long as I eat, I'm OK for another 20-30 minutes.

I am meditating a lot to get through the cravings and to stave off the irritability that comes from initiating even these little changes into my life. I have a necklace that I wear that is of a fairly slim nude woman with a lovely little round belly with her arms up over her head. It's sort of like this one, but without the wings and with no hair defined (and shorter, less simian arms). She's my tangible focus of where I'm going. Photos of my self as slender and healthy do nothing for me. That was a lifetime ago and there's no way I want to go back to the person I was back then. I think that's part of why I have been so emotionally resistant to losing the weight. When I was thinner, I was so ditzy and shallow and unfocused and it has taken a lot of self-talk to get the message through that I will still be me, just stronger and healthier and more vital. In a way, losing weight seems like I am going backwards, into a place where I was before that was so painful and confused and superficial. Now, through the meditation and visualization, I am able to see it as one, linear, continuous process so that the fat me will become the past and the slender, healthy, integrated me will be all of the best parts of myself from my whole life. It that's not the truest essence of Diva, I don't know what is.

So that's where it is. I'm going to weigh and measure again in a month or so. For now, one day at a time. :)

Day 1

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 18:33:50 GMT

So today beginneth the beginning.

I know it's the right time and I'm reading the signs correctly because last night, right when I was really wanting to pig out and experience my last day of not dieting (even though I was unofficially gearing up for it since Friday), I happened to turn on the Discovery Health channel and they were having a special on morbid obesity. One show was about a woman named Jackie who weighed 627 pounds and the next show was about a place called "Andover House," that is a live-in facility for people who are morbidly obese. Seeing the struggles these people endured, not to mention the knowledge that my mother when through very similar situations, definitely cemented my motivation and determination. Mom was fat for as long as I can remember. Looking at pictures take just before she was pregnant with me, she weighed around 150. From there, it just ballooned. I have no memories of her as vital and healthy. She took medication for hypothyroidism for as long as I can remember. Without medical insurance for myself, it is difficult for me to get mine checked. I noticed I had all of the symptoms at one point and started taking the lowest recommended dosage of Bladderwrack, which is a treatment for low thyroidism. Within a couple of days, I started not feeling very well, so I stopped. Mom probably topped out around 350 or so, I'd guess. I know when we visited in 1995, she could barely walk, even with a walker, so it is possible she was even bigger than that. By the time she died, she'd lost a good bit of weight and was in the upper two-hundreds, but of course, she had a huge skirt of loose skin all around her. She was 60 when she died and I don't plan to die at 60. Her stomach lining was destroyed from 40 years of taking all kinds of different medications. My dad died in 1986 at the age of 51 from a ruptured ventricle resulting from totally occluded arteries. So that's not a particularly good gene pool and environment that recommends me being at my current weight.

So today, for all those reasons and a few more, I am back on the wagon. I'm basically doing the Insulin Resistance Diet, but have modified it a bit to include low fat proteins rather than just "proteins." Since I don't like cheese (except melted on some foods), I am limited to meat and beans for my proteins, so I have to be careful about the fat grams really creeping up. It might work for some folks to low carb on all kinds of proteins, but for me, I have to back down on the fat grams as well or else it just doesn't work. I stocked up on fruits that I like and good lean meats. I'm not a fan of salads, but I'll use them to fill in the blanks.

Today, I have been surprised, as I was over the last 2-3 "ease into it" days, at how much automatic eating I do. For the past few months, I have not ever felt anything like hunger. In fact, most of the time, I don't even let myself get to be not full. If I feel bad, I eat. If I feel good, I eat. If I don't feel anything, I eat. Eating is fun. Eating fulfills me in a substantial way. Eating is immediate gratification. Eating is sensual delight.

Exercise is none of those things.

But I will do it anyway.

Day 1. Yep. It sure is.